Off to Kashmir!

The previous post was meant to serve just as an opening to my Kashmir trip travelogue, but as usual my rant turned into a full fledged post. This trip to Kashmir coincided with this sudden turn in my professional life, and both were unexpected, to say the least. For those who do not know, the central Government of India has been offering its employees a nearly fully sponsored trip to Kashmir, or the North-East (Sikkim only, I think) - air fare and all, to boost tourism in these trouble-hit regions in lieu of the LTC scheme. So my mother and one of her colleagues thought of availing this scheme, and I had been hearing mutterings since July about this proposed trip. I never took it seriously, because for one, it just sounded a bit too random, and also I wasn't too keen on going on a trip with another family or a group of people I had never known. With friends its a different deal altogether. But these were friends of my mother! Anyway, by September end, the plans actually started taking shape, increasing my discomfort and reluctance. Finally, the second weekend of October was bookmarked, forms filled, advances applied for and it became a concrete reality. I had spent the entire month of October at home, in between jobs, and while the first 10 days were heaven, being completely idle had started to take a toll on me and my sleeping schedule (whatever little of it could still come under the purview of a 'schedule', that is). So I resigned myself to this trip, because lets face it, I was getting a chance to see the paradise on earth, even if via a Govt. sponsored packaged tour, and when else would ma get a chance to go on such a trip!? But due to unforeseen unfortunate circumstances, the trip was cancelled (as I thought at that time). But a few days later, the discussions surfaced again, and now the dates blocked were immediately a week after I was supposed to join my new lab. Way to make a first impression Aditya, I thought, asking for a four day leave as soon as you join! But this time, the flight tickets were booked, and everything set in motion. So I thought. Elections for Delhi state assembly were announced, and brought with them the threat of election duty for my mother and her colleague. We were supposed to leave on the 8th of November, and my mother was assigned her training on the 7th. One bullet dodged. But her colleague was still in the firing line. Basically, till the evening of 7th November, we were in a limbo if we would actually be able to board the flight on the 8th. But as luck would have it, Mother was assigned her next training day on the 26th, and her colleague was spared of it (as last heard) altogether. So on the evening of the 7th of November, I rushed home from lab, we hurried to pack our bags and buy last minute essentials for the trip. Actually I was more fixated on checking out all the places we were about to visit, the weather forecast there for the next four days, the hotel we were supposed to stay in on the Internet, and asking for tips from friends who had already been there. Realizing I had failed to buy a digital camera for the trip as planned (had just a reel wala archaic camera, which apparently now belongs in a museum) amid all the uncertainty about the trip, I rushed to a friend's house and borrowed his Nikon L100 (he had caught the photography bug a while back and moved on to a DSLR). After trying to stuff as many warm clothes into a single medium sized suitcase for both of us, I decided it would be better to carry the heavy jackets in our hands only to save up on space. A lot of arguing ensued, but we finally managed to pack everything required. We were supposed to catch the flight at 11 next morning, and oh! did I mention, it was the first time traveling by air for both of us! It still had not sunk in that I was actually going on a trip to Kashmir (something I had never ever dreamed of as a possibility while growing up in the 90's and hearing of rampant insurgency). So after a standard breakfast of aloo ke paranthe, and debating whether to pack some along for lunch after landing as advised by the other family (finally deciding against it), we were off to the airport and met our co-travelers (pity there is no beautiful equivalent of humsafar in English!) - my mom's colleague, her husband and daughter. And we were off to Kashmir!

Of fresh starts and changed perspectives ...

They say your destiny eventually catches up with you. And so it seems. My indecisiveness has become my defining trait unfortunately, and the fear of missing out on one thing by committing to another has severely crippled many aspects of my young adult life every now and then, the biggest victim being the career aspirations. Though I always wanted (or rather, still want) to dabble in countless professions, the only thing I really stuck to was Science and research. More out of cowardice than some true passion, in hindsight. Going through the last few years with a hit and trial approach, I was fortunate for the most part and my career decisions more or less worked out in my favour. But the last, and arguably the biggest gamble I took in terms of my career ambitions backfired in the most horrendous way possible, leaving me with 22 of the most miserable and least productive months of my life. I had left a project position in a reputed lab to join the first batch of a PhD programme in an institute reputed for excellence in technology, but the particular department I joined was not even a speck on the institute's radar itself, leave alone the giant  universe that is the field of biological research. Needless to say, my worst fears came true, and an impulsive decision taken against the gut feeling (sounds contrary, I know) cost me dear. I was afraid of losing time, falling behind and jumped on the first opportunity to come instead of waiting (and more importantly, working) for better things. After coming close to quitting every single day, I still forced myself every morning to travel two hours to what was proving to my living hell. All out of fear - if not this, then what? I was also aware of the fact that in order to pursue something else, I will have to let go and completely free myself of this trap I had gotten myself in to. But the fear of being left with nothing was all too overpowering. However after 22 months of constant struggle (with myself, the circumstances, and a few others) which led to frequent and fierce seismic activity, something had to give. In response to a threat in the garb of an ultimatum, I had applied for a position determined to get out of there. Five months later, when I had more or less decided to give up and stay on and try and make lemonade of the rotten lemons thrown at me, the opportunity beckoned in terms of an interview for that same position. I reluctantly went for it, and before I knew it, I landed a PhD position in a lab I would have been lucky to get into in the first place! But still, the most difficult part was to actually go through with this decision, of whether to throw the past 22 months and take up this better opportunity, or stay on and make the best of what I had, making these 22 months count. After talking to a lot of friends, teachers, and people I look up to, who all were unanimous by the way in their opinion of ditching that hell hole, I went with my gut and tried not to think too much about it, and just go with what now seems so obviously the right decision. And now, all I am left with is a feeling of vindication. I always felt that I deserved better, and finally got it. All the fears of wasting two years of my life in a worthless pursuit, giving nearly five more years and starting all over again from scratch still persist, but there is also a huge sense of relief. There is also a faint sense of optimism, and a growing belief that try as you might, nothing comes to you before time.