They say your destiny eventually catches up with you. And so it seems. My indecisiveness has become my defining trait unfortunately, and the fear of missing out on one thing by committing to another has severely crippled many aspects of my young adult life every now and then, the biggest victim being the career aspirations. Though I always wanted (or rather, still want) to dabble in countless professions, the only thing I really stuck to was Science and research. More out of cowardice than some true passion, in hindsight. Going through the last few years with a hit and trial approach, I was fortunate for the most part and my career decisions more or less worked out in my favour. But the last, and arguably the biggest gamble I took in terms of my career ambitions backfired in the most horrendous way possible, leaving me with 22 of the most miserable and least productive months of my life. I had left a project position in a reputed lab to join the first batch of a PhD programme in an institute reputed for excellence in technology, but the particular department I joined was not even a speck on the institute's radar itself, leave alone the giant universe that is the field of biological research. Needless to say, my worst fears came true, and an impulsive decision taken against the gut feeling (sounds contrary, I know) cost me dear. I was afraid of losing time, falling behind and jumped on the first opportunity to come instead of waiting (and more importantly, working) for better things. After coming close to quitting every single day, I still forced myself every morning to travel two hours to what was proving to my living hell. All out of fear - if not this, then what? I was also aware of the fact that in order to pursue something else, I will have to let go and completely free myself of this trap I had gotten myself in to. But the fear of being left with nothing was all too overpowering. However after 22 months of constant struggle (with myself, the circumstances, and a few others) which led to frequent and fierce seismic activity, something had to give. In response to a threat in the garb of an ultimatum, I had applied for a position determined to get out of there. Five months later, when I had more or less decided to give up and stay on and try and make lemonade of the rotten lemons thrown at me, the opportunity beckoned in terms of an interview for that same position. I reluctantly went for it, and before I knew it, I landed a PhD position in a lab I would have been lucky to get into in the first place! But still, the most difficult part was to actually go through with this decision, of whether to throw the past 22 months and take up this better opportunity, or stay on and make the best of what I had, making these 22 months count. After talking to a lot of friends, teachers, and people I look up to, who all were unanimous by the way in their opinion of ditching that hell hole, I went with my gut and tried not to think too much about it, and just go with what now seems so obviously the right decision. And now, all I am left with is a feeling of vindication. I always felt that I deserved better, and finally got it. All the fears of wasting two years of my life in a worthless pursuit, giving nearly five more years and starting all over again from scratch still persist, but there is also a huge sense of relief. There is also a faint sense of optimism, and a growing belief that try as you might, nothing comes to you before time.
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